Rolling in the Deep

I never understand what that song meant, but the title just recently seems fitting.

I feel disconnected from a lot of people. I think it is my fault now that I look at it. I shared the blame with others and sure, maybe they have some fault, but the majority is mine. I don’t let people in as easily. I dislike it when people do, but it seems to work in their favor. I don’t need the benefits, I just need the stress relief.

Last English class Mr. Walpole had us write a letter to him in which I couldn’t begin to explain myself and how I was feeling. I merely scratched the surface and I believe that the letter method helps. Stranger or friend, please don’t judge me for writing a letter to absolutely no one, but I highly suggest it as a therapeutic method. It makes you feel better.

Dear Friend or Stranger,

I would like to tell you that you could be both a stranger and a friend. Luckily, wordpress is more personal than facebook so it somewhat makes sense here.

Anyways, I have been very stressed lately. I’ve only broken down once and I guess that’s a good thing. I usually complete all my homework, but not with the best quality, and I attempt to study as much as possible but I’ve never been much of a studier. I find junior year to be quite difficult and harsh, and it’s not only because of the classes. I no longer have a real connection with any teacher nor do I have a real connection with my classmates. I love them to death but sometimes I feel as if I’m just someone on the sidelines to them. I think it’s because I have distanced myself from my Cambridge class, something one should never do. I used to communicate with everyone personally, always asking them how they’re doing and they’re feeling, if they ever need help. I stopped because it wasn’t reciprocated. Yet, I think I was selfish. I should still do what I can for others, I just shouldn’t let them step all over me.

That’s the problem. People have been taking advantage of me for years and I just can’t say no. I don’t mind doing a lot of favors, but sometimes I just can’t. I try to be considerate and conscious of that fact but I’m more driven by the need to help someone. It’s both a blessing and a curse really.

My family has been alright. Still no real respect for my studies though, what can I do? I rather not disclose family stuff here.

Another thing I want to address are my feelings. I haven’t really felt genuinely happy in a while. I guess I’ve felt sad, but not even that. I only ever seem to feel tired and/or stressed. I’m numb about 85% of the time. It’s odd really. I smile and laugh, but I don’t FEEL it. It’s as if my body knows how to respond but my brain nor my heart feels any emotion towards these reactions. I don’t think I’m depressed, but is there a condition for being numb?

I really don’t have much time to drone on and on about my hardly complicated life. I would like to offer advice now.

Never waste time, you never get it back. It’s like breathing, it’s always a new breath just as it’s always a new second. Don’ teat too many beans on a Sunday night before school, and join a club that seem worth it- not because they’re well known. That’s probably the only set of advice I can give you since all of my outcomes have been shitty.